Yesterday's prediction came true! I quote:

"Flow cytometry submitted. In the sample analyzed, there is NO EVIDENCE of a B-cell or T-cell lymphoma. Findings correlate with concurrent cytology negative for malignancy. Diagnosis - Lymphoid Follicular Hyperplasia."

They didn't specify what the cell abnormality is that caused the enlargement and the reactive first studies, but guess what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! I DON'T HAVE CANCER!

WOOT x infinity!

I'm fucking bullet-proof.

Tomorrow is, of course, Wednesday. It is also the day when my pathology results are supposed to come in. It seems like I have done nothing but think about this since last Tuesday. I know it's been all I've written about. I've decided that there's no possible way I'm going to get bad news tomorrow. There just isn't. Because I said so.

This has been the longest week of my life. It's inhumane to make someone wait a whole freaking week to find out if they have some horrible illness. But tomorrow I'm going to log on and be able to post that it was a false alarm and that everything is fine. *Nods* Yep, that's just what I'll do.

I hope.

Just a little FYI, coming face to face with your own mortality and your own possible impending death is a little depressing.

The worst part is I have that God-awful Tim McGraw song stuck in my head.

"I went SKYYYYYY divin'...."

I saw my surgeon today between cases. This is yet another perk of working in the OR, instead of having to make appointments I can just grab my doc as we pass each other in the hall.

He said that he talked to the pathologist and the first tests were reactive so they're going to send the specimen for flow studies.

This basically means that the pathologist found something suspicious when he ran the first tests on the lymph node that I had removed. To be quite honest, when the doc stopped me today I really, really thought that he was going to say, "Everything looks fine. You have nothing to worry about."

He said I should get more results within four to five days, so I'm thinking maybe by Wednesday of next week I'll know more.

So I wrote that post yesterday when I still had a neck full of marcaine and veins full of sweet, sweet Versed, Fentanyl, and Morphine.

I was a complete idiot and went to work today. Every time I turned my head my stitches pulled and I wanted to vomit. I hurt from my ear lobe to my shoulder, my whole neck is sharp and throbbing.

Got my Lortab filled and took one today after I got off work, then had a long nap. Just took another one around 6:00pm and I feel a bit better, kind of spacey, but better.

Have a feeling I'm going to get screwed with my room assignment tomorrow and work my ass off. I almost want to call in, but I just can't sit around here all day and do nothing, I'll worry myself to death.

Think I'm going to take a very hot shower and chase another Lortab with a glass of plum wine, then head to bed for the night.

I had surgery today. Not big time surgery, but still surgery. I've had some enlarged lymph nodes on the sides of my neck for awhile now, and my head and neck CT was abnormal, so I had a cervical lymph node biopsy done today. Everything went really well. It helps that the OR is my second family, so I was surrounded by my friends the entire time. Thankfully I didn't have to have general anesthesia, just heavy sedation, so I'm up and around and feel great. I don't even have to miss work tomorrow.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not nervous. There's a lot of cancer in my family, and I've already had a tumor removed once, so it's going to be a long ass few days waiting for the lab results. I'm putting on the front that everything is fine, but lymphoma is not a fun thing to have hanging over your head. I haven't even told anyone in my family, except for my cousin Lisa, who drove me and stayed with me and brought me to her house for a post-procedure nap, just to be sure I was okay afterward. I feel weird not having told my parents or my sisters, but I just couldn't handle it. My mother would fall apart and I'd have to reassure and support her, same thing with my sisters. I'm always expected to be the strong one, so I don't really have the option of leaning on anyone. Kind of sucks. They'll probably be upset when they find out (my mother especially) but I just can't take the stress of babysitting their feelings while I wait to see if I get bad news. I'll tell them in a few days when I get the results.

I'm optimistic, I'm about ninety percent sure that I'll get the all-clear, but until then I'll just be waiting...

In the past couple of months it has hit me that I am getting older. It's starting to sink in that I'm not twenty anymore. I'm twenty-seven, about to be twenty-eight, and while I know that this is not at all old...it's...it's OLD.

I've been content with the life I have, and was absolutely sure that this is the life I wanted. I mean, I have a great job, fantastic friends, amazing family, I own my own home... I also love that I am so independent. That I can take care of myself and support myself, without having to rely on anyone else. I've been alone and damn proud of it. I haven't needed anyone.

But for some reason, I have felt incredibly pressured to make a decision about the direction my life is going. Not pressured by family, friends, or coworkers, pressured by myself. I feel this sense of urgency to decide just what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Not professionally, I've got that part handled, but personally. The way I see it, there are four paths I could take: 1) be single forever, do my own thing for the rest of my life, 2) be single and have or adopt a child, 3) get married or have a long-term committed relationship but no kids, OR 4) get married or have a long-term committed relationship and have or adopt a child. Four totally viable options, all with their own merits and detriments. The problem is, I just can't decide. I know, I know, there is no reason why I absolutely have to make this decision right now, but I feel like there is, you know?

Maybe this is actually a good sign. A sign that I'm open to options other than just being bound and determined to be alone forever. And I have been adamant about staying single. I can admit to myself that I'm totally wrecked when it comes to relationships. They terrify me. The intimacy, having to trust someone, having to deal with not only my emotions (which I don't do well) but also someone else's emotions. I'm not proud of this, I wish I could find some way to fix this about myself, but so far that hasn't worked out so well. I'm still so incredibly bitter and hurt and angry over everything that happened with my ex-boyfriend, and I just haven't been able to let it go. I'm terrified of becoming the person I was when I was with him, a girl who let herself be ridiculed and belittled and thought she deserved it, a girl who let someone else become her whole world, let them dictate who she was. I can't lose myself like that again, not when I've worked so hard to get myself back, to love myself again and believe that I'm not just worth something, but that I'm worth something great. I just can't. I don't know if I have it in me to put myself back together again if that happens. I don't know how to get past this. I cannot let my life from age seventeen to twenty-two be the center of the rest of my life. It's been five years, isn't that long enough?

To complicate the situation, I've met someone. Well, to clarify, I've known him for several months now and have been attracted to him, but over the last few months I've gotten to know him better and I think there's starting to be something between us. I even suspect that he could possibly feel the same way. Paranoid freak that I am, I asked a close friend who has seen us together her opinion. She actually said that she noticed it, too. God, now I sound like I'm in middle school. There is something there, dammit. He wouldn't go out of his way to talk to me or casually touch me if there wasn't, right? What's funny (funny-sad, not funny-haha) is that I'm not sure what scares me more, being wrong about this or being right. He is the first person in five years that I've wanted to pursue something with, beyond just a one-night stand. I would actually try for him.

I don't know how or when, but I'm going to have to come to some sort of resolution about this. I don't even know that I necessarily have to make some sort of concrete plan that maps out the rest of my life in order to get some peace of mind, because let's face it, that's not really feasible, life never goes according to plan, but if I could just have an idea of the direction that I would like my life to go, I would feel better. I hate being aimless. Knowing what I want would be a comfort, even if I don't get it.

I'm not going to solve this tonight, but hopefully getting this all off my chest is a good first step.

I was actually planning on updating my journal today, just give a re-cap of the week and maybe even start on this big post I've been writing in my head...but my brain isn't working.

I've worked so much this week. Forty-five hours during the regular work week and then eleven hours today on call. And I was charge nurse, so I had to coordinate three different surgeons and three teams yesterday and four different surgeons and two teams today.

Can't...think...must..veg...out

I hope the rest of my call weekend is nice and quiet.

I was talking to my cousin Keri tonight and she was telling me about the marathon she ran recently. She told me all about training and how amazing it was and how great she felt when she actually finished. She also mentioned that there is a marathon coming up in November and she's thinking about participating and doing a half-marathon.

I think I may try and do it with her.

The thought kind of terrifies and excites me all at the same time. I'm lazy. Like really, really, fantastically lazy. But, I have been trying to take better care of myself lately. A few months back I was very unhappy and realized I needed to change some things, shake my life up a bit. So, I cut off a foot of hair, dyed it red and black, and started dieting. I have lost about thirty-two pounds so far. My point being, I have been able to make some positive changes and actually stick to something for once, so there is a remote possibility that I could do this.

I really think I may give this an honest effort, really try and do it.

I'm scared and oddly exhilarated.

Sadie's belly looks so much better! And her ears have cleared up. I was hoping that the rash/bumps/redness was just a weird infection rather than allergies, fingers-crossed that I'm right!

Side note: Oddly enough, she loves to take her antibiotic. She gets all excited when she sees me get the bottle out of the cabinet. I don't get the appeal, having a gel cap shoved in your mouth is not my idea of a good time. Must be the "OMG yay! You're the best little girl in the world!" comments followed by the treats. Just my guess.